I swear it’s who you know. When I started my own religion, it went nowhere, because I couldn’t get the good MSM pickup that fuels interest and invites disciples to focus on the black dot on the far wall. But costar in some movie 17 people saw 15 years ago, and oh boy, CNN is all over it.
As Joey Donner in the 1999 film “10 Things I Hate About You,” Andrew Keegan attracted his fair share of fans.
Now, he’s attracting converts.
According to Vice, the actor has started a new age temple and spiritual movement in Venice, California. Full Circle is described as “advanced spiritualism.”
“Synchronicity. Time. That’s what it’s all about,” Keegan told Vice. “Whatever, the past, some other time. It’s a circle; in the center is now. That’s what it’s about.”
That’s what it’s all about. YOU thought it was about something else, like pie or dandruff. No—it’s about time. And isn’t it about time? I mean, it’s been aeons since someone’s come up with a really good new religion. The 19th century used to pop those suckers out like pimples on a rosy-cheeked teen. Latter-Day Saints, Christian Scientists, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Plymouth Brethren, Campbellites, Seventh Day Adventists—sects, cults, fads, restorationists, you name it, someone claimed they got it directly from God to set the rest of us straight.
Most recently we were greeted with Scientology, which is most famous for its most famous acolytes: John Travolta and Tom Cruise. It claims to have millions of adherents worldwide, but I’ve only met one, so I’m thinking the real membership numbers are somewhere between one and what the hell?
Starting your own religion is not as easy as it seems, let me tell you. I just wanted to get rich quick so I could start my Pie in the Sky dessert-delivery business. As for Andrew Keegan:
“I had a moment where I was looking at a streetlamp, and it exploded,” he said. “That was a weird coincidence. At a ceremony, a heart-shaped rose quartz crystal was on the altar, and synchronistically, this whole thing happened. It’s a long story, but basically the crystal jumped off the altar and skipped on camera. That was weird.”
Maybe for him, but not for me. I’ve experienced exploding streetlamps I can’t tell you how many times. But I used to live in Brooklyn. And jumping crystals? Please. Ever been to an East Village New Year’s Eve party?
Mr. Keegan has high hopes for his no-doubt soon-to-be-trademarked ju-ju. From that Vice article:
A few weeks later, I sat down with Keegan after one of his Sunday services. The meditation at the service had involved water crystals, which participants used to focus their energy to bring an ending to the conflict between Israel and Palestine. “We’re very, very aware of the shift that’s happening in the mind and the heart, and everybody is on that love agenda,” Keegan told me after the ceremony. “We’re very much scientifically, spiritually, and emotionally aware of how it works, meaning that there’s power in the crystals, there’s power in our hearts, there’s an alignment, there’s a resonance … and it transfers through water.”
So does fluoride. Which, as we all know, is a communist plot.
I have another theory about why commies are chronically dehydrated. The idea that there’s a connection between peacemaking and water is not that kooky. Lutherans also believe that water plays an integral part in ending war: that between God and man. It’s called baptism. But seeing as baptism, apparently, has done little to end the war in the Middle East, and that there are people who believe religion is the reason there’s a war in the Middle East in the first place, don’t expect Vice to give the Christian sacrament a fancy write-up anytime soon. And the only crystals you’ll find in Lutheran worship are in the glasses during coffee hour.
I can’t say I wish Mr. Keegan well, because he’s obviously out of his EXPLETIVE DELETED mind. But then again, there are people who believe Christians are too*, what with all that Virgin Birth, Resurrection, filthy sinners granted eternal life as a sheer act of grace stuff. So let he who is without detractors cast the first stone. Or crystal, as the case may be.
Then again, when Keegan’s religion founds a civilization, gives rise to the university, modern science, some of the greatest works of art and architecture, not to mention philanthropic adventures, in history, we maybe can talk parity.
Until such time, let’s just say that some people are more ASTOUNDINGLY RUDE SERIES OF EXPLETIVES SUCH AS WOULD MAKE SAINTS WEEP AND SINNERS GIGGLE than others.
*They’re called atheists, who believe first there was nothing, then there was something, then there was a really long period of time when “stuff” crashed into other “stuff,” then Einstein was walking around Princeton talking about a unified field theory. This is where reason alone takes you. Which is why you should always travel with a companion. And no, not Kevin. Kevin is the worst.
Filed under: A Blood-Curdling Maniacal Laugh Is My Spiritual Gift, A Mind Is a Terrible Thing to Baste, Everything You Believe Is Wrong, Failure Is the New Black, Religious Kitsch and Other Regifting Ideas 
